DEEP IN THE WELL OF LOSS

Just now while in the midst of packing to move, I found this poem I wrote some months after my husband died. It really took me back so I wanted to share it. 

RIP My Love 😚

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Deep in the well if loss has fallen my mere existence,

All that I once was and once loved has traveled a far distance,

Away from me and out of the palm of my grip,

Yet within the banks of my memory are many different clips,

So much so that I toss and turn throughout the night,

Tormented by what I’ve lost until the greeting of the morning light,

Who am I without you? I ask, because I truly don’t know anymore,

These agonizing thoughts weigh down too deep to which I cannot ignore,

For deep in the well of loss my mere existence has fallen,

Deep down into that well which has my insides calling,

Calling into the depth of the well hoping to hear your voice,

Just to discover the sound that answers back isn’t yours, but my voice,

Therefore deep in the well of loss I have to bury my pain,

And deep in the well of loss I have to cover over the stains,

From the tear droppings that fall likened to that of blood drops,

From the outpouring of pain that has me all twisted up in knots,

As I weep lowering the bucket slowly down inside the well,

Where I must leave all of the things that I cannot bear to tell,

Deep down in the well of loss I drop off the things of my past,

Which is going to be hard to do but God please help me I ask??

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“Is It Better?”

It’s much better out than in folk will say,
And that rings truth but I don’t like it that way,
I mean as it flows out its excruciatingly painful,
For it comes forth in buckets to the maximum, beyond full,
I can’t take it! It hurts, I’ve got to let it go,
Yet I got to keep it in because it’s too painful to let flow,
Crazy, perhaps! But it is very real,
Once you walk in my shoes you too will know how it feels.

(C) 2016

“Don’t Want To Cry No More”

I have cried and I have cried,
I have cried to the point of feeling tired,
I cannot stop the tears from pouring from my eyes,
And I cannot quiet the pain that’s screaming inside,
But I can suppress the thoughts from entering into my mind,
Yet I cannot convince the heart to look past to decline,
The grief that comes about every year around this time,
Oh why can’t the heart match the mind and be blind,
Blind to the fact that in 4 years you are still gone,
I just don’t want to hurt no more, I mean is that wrong?

2016

“MORE TIME”

More time was what he wanted but could not have,
And he desired to treasure it all again, to live life and laugh,
Yet life as he knew it was quickly flashing before his eyes,
As his organs began to malfunction, he cried for more time,
He said, “If I could do it over I’d do things alot diffrently!”
But it wasn’t until death was staring him in the face he received an epiphany,
That he had taken all of the many close calls given him for granted,
And time had run its course, God was now calling as heaven chanted,
“Please give me more time Father,” he said as he continuously wept,
For he wasn’t quite ready to go to his heavenly home just yet,
But he knew it was a matter of time so he began to get his earthly house in order,
As he faced the realization that these earthly bodies are not immortal,
Back into the ground he knew his earthly shell would be buried,
So time was of the essence therefore he knew he had to hurry,
Not completely making the fact that he was about to pass known,
He spent day and night with family with no desire to be alone,
Until the moment was at hand, it was then he sent them on an errand,
And he put things in order where they would be easily apparent,
He knew he was about to breathe his last breath on this side,
But he knew it would have killed his wife to stand there and watch him die,
So he did what he knew to do in order to ease some of her upcoming pain,
And he made sure his last few moments were spent wisely and not in vain,
More time was what he desired but knew time had run its course,
Therefore he decided not to fight anymore and submitted without force,
And although that moment he had with his family would be his last,
He left behind the type of memories that would continue to last and last!  

“Not Tonight”

Everyday she was awakened to the smell of breakfast cooking,
And greeted with a smile and the words “Good Morning good looking!”
What a way to wake up feeling on top of the world,
Just to lose it all within seconds as life spins and twirls,
For tomorrow is not promised so it’s best to live today,
And make peace with others, do good and pray,
Tell the ones you care about just how much you love them,
So that if tomorrow doesn’t come there won’t be no guilt,
For she longs for the scent of him  she can no longer smell,
Yes, she longs to hear the words he would always yell,
From the front of the house as he heard her footsteps,
Walking to meet him as he awaited at the doorstep,
Yet the sound is faint, it can no longer be heard,
For that voice is no more and the body is buried,
And she cries herself to sleep each and every night,
Knowing he won’t be able to join her once again tonight.
ⓒ 2015

“Story Untold” ⓒ 2015

For some reason I dialed your number the other night,
And it flowed freely without struggle, hesitation or fight,
I haven’t dialed your number accidentally in quite some time,
Which makes me wonder what’s roaming inside my unconscious mind,
I truly miss you and miss the talks we shared,
I miss the words you often said that spoke of how you cared,
I miss the warmth of your big hugs I’d snuggle in whenever,
Without distance or limitation you’d let me stay there forever,
But no other human arms to behold me yet, has….
Even comes close to your embrace that once secured me in your grasp,
So many pieces to this puzzle of life I’ve yet to find,
And where I’ve searched has caused pain; so vicious and unkind,
So where do I go now and what must I do?
To stop lurking, longing after and looking for you?
You’re not just around the corner, for I’ve checked hundreds of times,
No, you’re way beyond the distance of my strained and teary eyes,
To have, To have, To have and to hold,
Is the words in our story left abandoned and untold!

“How Can This Be?”

On August 12, 2014 I lost my brother in a horrific accident,
Yet it really was a crime they’re only choosing to label an accident,
At the blink of an eye you were here and now you’re gone,
This couldn’t be I thought, something has to be wrong,
I didn’t want to believe my beloved brother and friend had passed away,
Instead I wanted to believe that someone had made a big, big, big old mistake,
We hadn’t seen his body yet and was hoping the opposite for all our sake,
But the more we debated in our heart and mind the fact remained it really wasn’t a mistake,
How can this be, can this really be possible?
Couldn’t this for once be some form of fiction or gossip?
I mean how could he go away and not even say goodbye?
And why was that mad man of a driver allowed to take away his life?
I don’t understand any of this but it has to be okay,
Until I meet my Heavenly Father one day and see Him face to face,
When all the cares of this world will no longer be,
And all the foggy places within will become crystal clear,
I don’t know why now any of this has come to be,
But what I do know is you weren’t left here to suffer, Thank God you’re free!
And though my heart is broken into the tiniest of pieces,
I’m going to try and walk out my journey trusting God to mend back these pieces,
Of my life that’s broken and shattered apart like glass,
Yet in the midst of my sorrow I can hear you saying, Sis I’m free at last!

RIP FLOYD AKA “PUNKIN” AKA “PJUMP” 💔