DEEP IN THE WELL OF LOSS

Just now while in the midst of packing to move, I found this poem I wrote some months after my husband died. It really took me back so I wanted to share it. 

RIP My Love 😚

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Deep in the well if loss has fallen my mere existence,

All that I once was and once loved has traveled a far distance,

Away from me and out of the palm of my grip,

Yet within the banks of my memory are many different clips,

So much so that I toss and turn throughout the night,

Tormented by what I’ve lost until the greeting of the morning light,

Who am I without you? I ask, because I truly don’t know anymore,

These agonizing thoughts weigh down too deep to which I cannot ignore,

For deep in the well of loss my mere existence has fallen,

Deep down into that well which has my insides calling,

Calling into the depth of the well hoping to hear your voice,

Just to discover the sound that answers back isn’t yours, but my voice,

Therefore deep in the well of loss I have to bury my pain,

And deep in the well of loss I have to cover over the stains,

From the tear droppings that fall likened to that of blood drops,

From the outpouring of pain that has me all twisted up in knots,

As I weep lowering the bucket slowly down inside the well,

Where I must leave all of the things that I cannot bear to tell,

Deep down in the well of loss I drop off the things of my past,

Which is going to be hard to do but God please help me I ask??

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“MAYBE”

To know that you love someone, but to have that someone make you doubt that love for that someone is very confusing. When you know what you feel in your heart but it appears to another that what’s in your heart isn’t really real is even more confusing. So what is it that is felt then? Are you saying that this is make believe or a mere game called “Pretend?” Or is this that other game called “Manipulation?” Are you enjoying feeling you’re in control? Am I simply a puppet you like dangling from strands of string? You know, maybe it’s you that have misinterpreted the meaning of love. Maybe it is you who’s mind is twisted and confused. Maybe it is you that’s struggling to receive or accept love. Maybe I’ve just uncovered the truth. MAYBE, just maybe!

“Get Yourself Together”

​You cannot possibly run forever,

So you may as well get yourself together,

Inspite of the storm and the outpouring of rain,

As well as the heartache and the gut wrenching pain,

You best well get yourself together,

I mean, eventually things will get better.

“Is It Better?”

It’s much better out than in folk will say,
And that rings truth but I don’t like it that way,
I mean as it flows out its excruciatingly painful,
For it comes forth in buckets to the maximum, beyond full,
I can’t take it! It hurts, I’ve got to let it go,
Yet I got to keep it in because it’s too painful to let flow,
Crazy, perhaps! But it is very real,
Once you walk in my shoes you too will know how it feels.

(C) 2016

“Just A Different Day”

Here it is once again,
It’s all the same but a different day,
The heart is bleeding,
While the eyes are weeping,
The mind is racing,
But the thoughts are fading,
The blood is flowing,
Yet the veins are rolling,
The pain is at its peak,
Yet too steep to find relief,
It tries to find disguise,
Though it cannot hide,
It tries to deceive the mind,
Though the eyes aren’t blind,
So there you are once again,
Nothing’s changed, it’s just a different day!

(c) 2016

Thinking Thoughts

Emotions flowing profusely,
Pouring out and flooding my brain,
Tears dropping plankity plank,
Down my face like the splattering rain,
Thoughts are trying to be thought,
While questions needing answers are sought,
In my moment of deep agonizing despair,
Into the far distance I gaze out and stare,
Thinking thoughts that are merely blank,
Painting pictures with no need of paint,
Spaced out and far gone into the depth of somewhere,
Moving here and about but not even going anywhere,
Thoughts rushing to form words a mile a minute,
Running its designated course trying to reach an ultimate finish.

(C) 2016

“It Wasn’t Yours To Have”

To quick to trust in someone,
To quick to want to see the best in everyone,
To eager to be welcoming and kind,
To eager to lay it all out on the line,
To impatient to see the warning signs,
To naive to realize what was lurking in your eyes,
And so, you stole the virtue from within the mere depth of me,
And you knocked the wind outside which was inside of me,
You took from me that which was not yours to have,
It really happened so abrupt, so quick and oh so fast,
Even days later I feel sick and dirty, misused and abused,
I feel ashamed and embarrassed, and oh so confused,
Yet I blame myself, it is on me to bear,
Because I opened the door to this and ignored the warnings there,
Oh If I could turn back the hands of time,
I would not make the mistake of bypassing the warning signs!