DEEP IN THE WELL OF LOSS

Just now while in the midst of packing to move, I found this poem I wrote some months after my husband died. It really took me back so I wanted to share it. 

RIP My Love 😚

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Deep in the well if loss has fallen my mere existence,

All that I once was and once loved has traveled a far distance,

Away from me and out of the palm of my grip,

Yet within the banks of my memory are many different clips,

So much so that I toss and turn throughout the night,

Tormented by what I’ve lost until the greeting of the morning light,

Who am I without you? I ask, because I truly don’t know anymore,

These agonizing thoughts weigh down too deep to which I cannot ignore,

For deep in the well of loss my mere existence has fallen,

Deep down into that well which has my insides calling,

Calling into the depth of the well hoping to hear your voice,

Just to discover the sound that answers back isn’t yours, but my voice,

Therefore deep in the well of loss I have to bury my pain,

And deep in the well of loss I have to cover over the stains,

From the tear droppings that fall likened to that of blood drops,

From the outpouring of pain that has me all twisted up in knots,

As I weep lowering the bucket slowly down inside the well,

Where I must leave all of the things that I cannot bear to tell,

Deep down in the well of loss I drop off the things of my past,

Which is going to be hard to do but God please help me I ask??

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“MAYBE”

To know that you love someone, but to have that someone make you doubt that love for that someone is very confusing. When you know what you feel in your heart but it appears to another that what’s in your heart isn’t really real is even more confusing. So what is it that is felt then? Are you saying that this is make believe or a mere game called “Pretend?” Or is this that other game called “Manipulation?” Are you enjoying feeling you’re in control? Am I simply a puppet you like dangling from strands of string? You know, maybe it’s you that have misinterpreted the meaning of love. Maybe it is you who’s mind is twisted and confused. Maybe it is you that’s struggling to receive or accept love. Maybe I’ve just uncovered the truth. MAYBE, just maybe!

“Is It Better?”

It’s much better out than in folk will say,
And that rings truth but I don’t like it that way,
I mean as it flows out its excruciatingly painful,
For it comes forth in buckets to the maximum, beyond full,
I can’t take it! It hurts, I’ve got to let it go,
Yet I got to keep it in because it’s too painful to let flow,
Crazy, perhaps! But it is very real,
Once you walk in my shoes you too will know how it feels.

(C) 2016

“Don’t Want To Cry No More”

I have cried and I have cried,
I have cried to the point of feeling tired,
I cannot stop the tears from pouring from my eyes,
And I cannot quiet the pain that’s screaming inside,
But I can suppress the thoughts from entering into my mind,
Yet I cannot convince the heart to look past to decline,
The grief that comes about every year around this time,
Oh why can’t the heart match the mind and be blind,
Blind to the fact that in 4 years you are still gone,
I just don’t want to hurt no more, I mean is that wrong?

2016

“It’s Not What It Seems”

Just when you think life could be grand,
And when you start to believe that something really can,
Be all you’ve hoped and dreamed it would be,
Reality opens your eyes yet again to see,
That what you thought could be, would not be,
And that I must say is so upsetting to me!

“WHO”

Who is it that can give me direction and inspiration?
Who is it that will give me strength and motivation?
Who is it that can give me Agape love and affection?
And Who can I depend on for around the clock protection?
Who can I literally talk to all day long?
And Who can I depend on when everyone else is gone?
Who will never leave me and have never forsaken me?
And Who has broken these chains of bondage to set me free?
Who, I say WHO can I walk with whether it be day or night?
And Who can I depend on when I  need to stand and fight?
Who can I look to when feeling lost and lowly,
And Who can I approach behind the veil in awe and boldly?
Who will stick closer to me than any other?
And Who will give me the words to speak when my tongue wants to stutter?
Who, I say WHO can I trust always and forever?
That WHO would be my Heavenly Father, and truly there is no one better!

“Look Up!”

The enemy wants to kill me,
He wants nothing more than to sift us like wheat,
He wants to bring forth doubt, chaos and confusion,
Oh yes, he wants to take our minds off of Jesus,
Because when our minds wander off, the enemy can play,
And as we begin thinking of our circumstances he begins to have his way,
Yet we have to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus,
Because only HE can put back together the scattered pieces,
Are you broken, downtrodden and on the verge of giving up?
Just stop where you are and in the midst of it all, LOOK UP!
LOOK UP to the Holy One that provides strength in weakness,
LOOK UP to the Holy One that gives peace when you feel no peace,
LOOK UP to the Holy One who is the Author and Finisher of our faith,
LOOK UP to the Only ONE that can stand adversity and the evil one directly in the face,
LOOK UP to the Holy ONE who loves you unconditionally,
LOOK UP to the Holy ONE that is ALL YOU NEED.
Call on HIS name, submit to God and the devil must flee,
Come before the Holy One with Gratitude, Thanksgiving and Praise,
Bless His Holy Name because HE is more than worthy!
Glory Hallelujah Father, I thank you for saving me.
Through valleys high and valleys low,
Through the scorching in the fiery furnace, I’m coming out like pure gold,
At the name of Jesus, not even demons can stay,
Call on him throughout your day and watch them run away,
For what the enemy meant for bad, God will turn to good,
Just hold tight, trust him, and watch him bring you through!
I’m in a battle with the Mighty One in the forefront,
And the battle is already won, I rejoice because God never steps off post,
He is the One Who is, Who Was and Is to come,
Give the highest glory today and everyday to the Most Holy One!
ⓒ 2015