DEEP IN THE WELL OF LOSS

Just now while in the midst of packing to move, I found this poem I wrote some months after my husband died. It really took me back so I wanted to share it. 

RIP My Love 😚

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Deep in the well if loss has fallen my mere existence,

All that I once was and once loved has traveled a far distance,

Away from me and out of the palm of my grip,

Yet within the banks of my memory are many different clips,

So much so that I toss and turn throughout the night,

Tormented by what I’ve lost until the greeting of the morning light,

Who am I without you? I ask, because I truly don’t know anymore,

These agonizing thoughts weigh down too deep to which I cannot ignore,

For deep in the well of loss my mere existence has fallen,

Deep down into that well which has my insides calling,

Calling into the depth of the well hoping to hear your voice,

Just to discover the sound that answers back isn’t yours, but my voice,

Therefore deep in the well of loss I have to bury my pain,

And deep in the well of loss I have to cover over the stains,

From the tear droppings that fall likened to that of blood drops,

From the outpouring of pain that has me all twisted up in knots,

As I weep lowering the bucket slowly down inside the well,

Where I must leave all of the things that I cannot bear to tell,

Deep down in the well of loss I drop off the things of my past,

Which is going to be hard to do but God please help me I ask??

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FACTS

​Finally there it was, the thing he needed to face,

The fact that she used him after he had extended her grace,

A fact he never would have nor ever wanted to confess,

But every few months he throws up the thoughts he’s been trying to supress,

Gullible he was when he decided to trust her,

Now he can never forget, and things won’t ever be as they were,

Now a broken man trying to find the scattered pieces of life,

Trying to find the pieces to convince him that life is worth the fight.

2017
 

“MAYBE”

To know that you love someone, but to have that someone make you doubt that love for that someone is very confusing. When you know what you feel in your heart but it appears to another that what’s in your heart isn’t really real is even more confusing. So what is it that is felt then? Are you saying that this is make believe or a mere game called “Pretend?” Or is this that other game called “Manipulation?” Are you enjoying feeling you’re in control? Am I simply a puppet you like dangling from strands of string? You know, maybe it’s you that have misinterpreted the meaning of love. Maybe it is you who’s mind is twisted and confused. Maybe it is you that’s struggling to receive or accept love. Maybe I’ve just uncovered the truth. MAYBE, just maybe!

“Get Yourself Together”

​You cannot possibly run forever,

So you may as well get yourself together,

Inspite of the storm and the outpouring of rain,

As well as the heartache and the gut wrenching pain,

You best well get yourself together,

I mean, eventually things will get better.

“Is It Better?”

It’s much better out than in folk will say,
And that rings truth but I don’t like it that way,
I mean as it flows out its excruciatingly painful,
For it comes forth in buckets to the maximum, beyond full,
I can’t take it! It hurts, I’ve got to let it go,
Yet I got to keep it in because it’s too painful to let flow,
Crazy, perhaps! But it is very real,
Once you walk in my shoes you too will know how it feels.

(C) 2016

“Don’t Want To Cry No More”

I have cried and I have cried,
I have cried to the point of feeling tired,
I cannot stop the tears from pouring from my eyes,
And I cannot quiet the pain that’s screaming inside,
But I can suppress the thoughts from entering into my mind,
Yet I cannot convince the heart to look past to decline,
The grief that comes about every year around this time,
Oh why can’t the heart match the mind and be blind,
Blind to the fact that in 4 years you are still gone,
I just don’t want to hurt no more, I mean is that wrong?

2016

“Sleeping With The Enemy”

She felt it was wrong the moment he docked her door,
For the man standing there was certainly not sent from the Lord,
Yet she let him into her home and in her personal space,
Obviously he had an agenda as he moved at an accelerated pace,
She desperately wanted to say no but realized “no” was no longer an option,
And the aftermath of the night left her in need of a doctor,
She slept with the devil who tried viciously to tear her apart,
And every moment she laid with the enemy she wished for it to stop,
As her flesh sharply ripped she wrestled to push him away,
But he snatched her by the hair brutally having his way,
And she laid there dying on the inside trying hard not to cry,
It took forever as she thought within, “Why won’t this time pass by?”
Then the moment came and Satan reached his climax,
And she thought he’d leave, get out and away to relax,
But it didn’t end there for her, no he had an agenda to fulfill,
He came there to destroy her, yes his purpose was to kill,
So he threw her around again pounding blows to her opened wounds,
And with her arms bound she had no idea if she’d die or just bruised,
Regretting the choice she made to let that demon inside,
She wept whispering the name of Jesus time after time,
Thank God she made it through and out of it alive,
Although the situation makes her feel so very dead inside!
The pain in her body was so hard to bear,
So hard, extremely painful and yet another big scare,
But she is alive with the ability to face day after day,
As she tries to bathe rigorously the very touch of him away,
She slept with the enemy who ejaculated venom into her being,
So much so that only God can put an end to her grieving,
But will she turn back, will she fall down at her Father’s feet?
Or will she allow this ordeal to leave her feeling broken and incomplete?
What occured that night,  no given day since have changed,
She was battered by a demon who was viciously deranged!