DEEP IN THE WELL OF LOSS

Just now while in the midst of packing to move, I found this poem I wrote some months after my husband died. It really took me back so I wanted to share it. 

RIP My Love 😚

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Deep in the well if loss has fallen my mere existence,

All that I once was and once loved has traveled a far distance,

Away from me and out of the palm of my grip,

Yet within the banks of my memory are many different clips,

So much so that I toss and turn throughout the night,

Tormented by what I’ve lost until the greeting of the morning light,

Who am I without you? I ask, because I truly don’t know anymore,

These agonizing thoughts weigh down too deep to which I cannot ignore,

For deep in the well of loss my mere existence has fallen,

Deep down into that well which has my insides calling,

Calling into the depth of the well hoping to hear your voice,

Just to discover the sound that answers back isn’t yours, but my voice,

Therefore deep in the well of loss I have to bury my pain,

And deep in the well of loss I have to cover over the stains,

From the tear droppings that fall likened to that of blood drops,

From the outpouring of pain that has me all twisted up in knots,

As I weep lowering the bucket slowly down inside the well,

Where I must leave all of the things that I cannot bear to tell,

Deep down in the well of loss I drop off the things of my past,

Which is going to be hard to do but God please help me I ask??

Heifer

Today I was referred to as a heifer. I truly believe it was in a joking manner; yet I found at the closing of the call when I hung up the phone, it was offensive and “I WASN’T LAUGHING!” In technical term a heifer is a female cow that haven`t bore a calf, but in slang or urban term a heifer is a rude comment implying the person is really hefty, fat and so on and so forth. I quickly realized even in joking I do not want to be implicated in any way other than the person my Father and God has created me to be, whether I’d be a size 2 or a size 22, whether in joking or for real, whether by a loved one or a stranger, PERIOD! People don’t realize and some don`t even care that words do hurt. The little saying we learned as kids, “Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” is a LIE. Words do hurt and I have come to find in life that many folk that hurt others with their words are battling with their own issues and insecurities with themselves, therefore they subconsciously feed on drawing attention to others to take attention from themselves. It’s sad but true and truth be told I don`t have to accept someone else’s labeling of me. My Father says that, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that my soul knows right well.” I want to be embraced by those who are willing to embrace me as I embrace them and embrace myself, and that’s with unconditional love. I’m human so I see flaws and differences but I see them as a unique gift from God which does not alter the way I feel about the person and the individual I come to know in building a relationship or friendship. The world would truly be a boring place if God created us all exactly the same, Selah.

“WHO”

Who is it that can give me direction and inspiration?
Who is it that will give me strength and motivation?
Who is it that can give me Agape love and affection?
And Who can I depend on for around the clock protection?
Who can I literally talk to all day long?
And Who can I depend on when everyone else is gone?
Who will never leave me and have never forsaken me?
And Who has broken these chains of bondage to set me free?
Who, I say WHO can I walk with whether it be day or night?
And Who can I depend on when I  need to stand and fight?
Who can I look to when feeling lost and lowly,
And Who can I approach behind the veil in awe and boldly?
Who will stick closer to me than any other?
And Who will give me the words to speak when my tongue wants to stutter?
Who, I say WHO can I trust always and forever?
That WHO would be my Heavenly Father, and truly there is no one better!

“Anxiety, Fear and Insomnia”

After falling asleep for only 2 hours I was awakened abruptly,
I jumped out of bed realizing I was sweating and clammy,
I tried not to think to much of it and proceeded to plug in my fan,
When I noticed my heart rate was rapid and my breathing was becoming shallow,
Is this anxiety again or some deeper issue I have to face?
As I’ve learned anxiety can impersonate and mimic several different conditions,
So I attempt to relax because I don’t want to panic or over analyze this situation,
Because the thought of something major happening merely intensifies the ordeal,
Bargaining and pleading is ALWAYS the next course of action,
Then confession and repentance is the next thing that follows,
I’m not a perfect individual, I make my share of mistakes,
YET, I am the child of the Most High GOD who looks beyond my faults,
He loves me unconditionally without wavering or stipulation,
He truly loves us more than we could ever love ourselves.
I woke up abruptly rattled quite a bit and confused,
Now daylight has thrust through my window pane bringing greetings of a new day,
And while grateful to see this day, I must rest as if it’s still night,
Because without proper resting it would be difficult to stand up to face these battles of life,
My heart rate has calmed and the storm has ceased,
So now I’ll lie myself down and rest in tranquil and perfect peace,
In the arms of my Heavenly Father that is always with me,
That desires to comfort me, care for me and cover me under the shadow of HIS mighty wings.
Good morning to some of you and Goodnight to others.
I’m about to embark upon some of the best sleep ever!

ⓒ 2015

“I Don’t Know About Tomorrow”

I am so disappointed and so very ashamed,
And at myself is rightfully administered the blame,
I continue to do those things I should not do,
And at this rate I will surely continue to lose,
The battles I face each and every day in life,
And no matter what, Wrong will never-ever be Right!
So I need to stop with all of this mess and truly leave it behind,
Because GOD has given me more than enough warnings or signs,
“I have called you Woman of GOD, according to my purpose and plan,”
Are the words I must remember as if written upon my hands,
It’s time to shape up right now because tomorrow is not promised,
It’s time to turn away from the desires of this world that leads to bondage,
Repent children of GOD, for the Kingdom of GOD is at hand,
And turn from your wicked ways and receive HIM while you still can!
Get ready children of God for we’re going to be leaving Babylon soon,
Where Gentile and Jew alike will be rejoicing and singing the same tunes,
Around the throne of the Father in whom we will see face to face,
Therefore confess Jesus now I beseech thee, for tomorrow just may be too late.

ⓒ2015