DEEP IN THE WELL OF LOSS

Just now while in the midst of packing to move, I found this poem I wrote some months after my husband died. It really took me back so I wanted to share it. 

RIP My Love 😚

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Deep in the well if loss has fallen my mere existence,

All that I once was and once loved has traveled a far distance,

Away from me and out of the palm of my grip,

Yet within the banks of my memory are many different clips,

So much so that I toss and turn throughout the night,

Tormented by what I’ve lost until the greeting of the morning light,

Who am I without you? I ask, because I truly don’t know anymore,

These agonizing thoughts weigh down too deep to which I cannot ignore,

For deep in the well of loss my mere existence has fallen,

Deep down into that well which has my insides calling,

Calling into the depth of the well hoping to hear your voice,

Just to discover the sound that answers back isn’t yours, but my voice,

Therefore deep in the well of loss I have to bury my pain,

And deep in the well of loss I have to cover over the stains,

From the tear droppings that fall likened to that of blood drops,

From the outpouring of pain that has me all twisted up in knots,

As I weep lowering the bucket slowly down inside the well,

Where I must leave all of the things that I cannot bear to tell,

Deep down in the well of loss I drop off the things of my past,

Which is going to be hard to do but God please help me I ask??

“Get Yourself Together”

​You cannot possibly run forever,

So you may as well get yourself together,

Inspite of the storm and the outpouring of rain,

As well as the heartache and the gut wrenching pain,

You best well get yourself together,

I mean, eventually things will get better.

“Is It Better?”

It’s much better out than in folk will say,
And that rings truth but I don’t like it that way,
I mean as it flows out its excruciatingly painful,
For it comes forth in buckets to the maximum, beyond full,
I can’t take it! It hurts, I’ve got to let it go,
Yet I got to keep it in because it’s too painful to let flow,
Crazy, perhaps! But it is very real,
Once you walk in my shoes you too will know how it feels.

(C) 2016

“Don’t Want To Cry No More”

I have cried and I have cried,
I have cried to the point of feeling tired,
I cannot stop the tears from pouring from my eyes,
And I cannot quiet the pain that’s screaming inside,
But I can suppress the thoughts from entering into my mind,
Yet I cannot convince the heart to look past to decline,
The grief that comes about every year around this time,
Oh why can’t the heart match the mind and be blind,
Blind to the fact that in 4 years you are still gone,
I just don’t want to hurt no more, I mean is that wrong?

2016

“Sleeping With The Enemy”

She felt it was wrong the moment he docked her door,
For the man standing there was certainly not sent from the Lord,
Yet she let him into her home and in her personal space,
Obviously he had an agenda as he moved at an accelerated pace,
She desperately wanted to say no but realized “no” was no longer an option,
And the aftermath of the night left her in need of a doctor,
She slept with the devil who tried viciously to tear her apart,
And every moment she laid with the enemy she wished for it to stop,
As her flesh sharply ripped she wrestled to push him away,
But he snatched her by the hair brutally having his way,
And she laid there dying on the inside trying hard not to cry,
It took forever as she thought within, “Why won’t this time pass by?”
Then the moment came and Satan reached his climax,
And she thought he’d leave, get out and away to relax,
But it didn’t end there for her, no he had an agenda to fulfill,
He came there to destroy her, yes his purpose was to kill,
So he threw her around again pounding blows to her opened wounds,
And with her arms bound she had no idea if she’d die or just bruised,
Regretting the choice she made to let that demon inside,
She wept whispering the name of Jesus time after time,
Thank God she made it through and out of it alive,
Although the situation makes her feel so very dead inside!
The pain in her body was so hard to bear,
So hard, extremely painful and yet another big scare,
But she is alive with the ability to face day after day,
As she tries to bathe rigorously the very touch of him away,
She slept with the enemy who ejaculated venom into her being,
So much so that only God can put an end to her grieving,
But will she turn back, will she fall down at her Father’s feet?
Or will she allow this ordeal to leave her feeling broken and incomplete?
What occured that night,  no given day since have changed,
She was battered by a demon who was viciously deranged!

“Just A Different Day”

Here it is once again,
It’s all the same but a different day,
The heart is bleeding,
While the eyes are weeping,
The mind is racing,
But the thoughts are fading,
The blood is flowing,
Yet the veins are rolling,
The pain is at its peak,
Yet too steep to find relief,
It tries to find disguise,
Though it cannot hide,
It tries to deceive the mind,
Though the eyes aren’t blind,
So there you are once again,
Nothing’s changed, it’s just a different day!

(c) 2016

Thinking Thoughts

Emotions flowing profusely,
Pouring out and flooding my brain,
Tears dropping plankity plank,
Down my face like the splattering rain,
Thoughts are trying to be thought,
While questions needing answers are sought,
In my moment of deep agonizing despair,
Into the far distance I gaze out and stare,
Thinking thoughts that are merely blank,
Painting pictures with no need of paint,
Spaced out and far gone into the depth of somewhere,
Moving here and about but not even going anywhere,
Thoughts rushing to form words a mile a minute,
Running its designated course trying to reach an ultimate finish.

(C) 2016